Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
