I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Randomize
