I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
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