On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
We were destined to go to rehab together
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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