can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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