Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
is that a dick in a sweater?
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Randomize