i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
I'm really busy with my period
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