If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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