we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Randomize