My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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