He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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