I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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