Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
