ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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