meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
