Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
