My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Randomize
