I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
