what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Randomize
