I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
