i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
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