It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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