Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
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