Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
