Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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