Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
