Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
