The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Randomize
