Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
