True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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