I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Randomize
