I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
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