I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
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