i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
