Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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