apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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