I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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