just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
She told me I should be a condom model.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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