We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
