I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
