did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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