meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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