I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Randomize
