I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
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