dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
