my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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