Rock
Scissors
Fuck
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize
