She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Randomize
