I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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