Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
