respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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