She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
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