Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
