I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
did you just send me my own nude
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
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