mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
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